Canadians Get “Straight” To The Point
It’s being reported today that two straight Canadian guys are going to get married just to prove a point about gay marriage. And avoid paying some taxes.
Cue the Apocalyse in five…four…three…two…
Doubtless, the neo-conservative segments of the American political spectrum find themselves in a moral dilemma. I can hear their internal monologue already: which would make God happier – achieving eternal salvation, or a lower tax bracket?
Tough one…especially if you believe God is a Republican. (Which, for some reason, reminds me of line from a Tragically Hip song: “Don’t tell me how the Universe is altered, when you find our how He gets paid”)
But where there’s controversy, there’s opportunity. If you’re like me, you spent a fair chunk of your university years living with members of the same sex (called “room-mates”). All those wasted tax-savings! If only they’d had same-sex marriage in my college years – a quick prenuptial agreement and a civil marriage to Kevin (call me crazy, but John, Jesse and Sean weren’t my type) and we could have kept all of our meager internship earnings for ourselves. Hell, had we taken legal guardianship of Kevin’s brother, Jamie, we could have even scored some stone-cold sacrilicious Child Tax Credit dollars!
I think I just identified the solution to the Student Debt Crisis – get married to your roommates and reap the tax savings until you’re debt-free. Some enterprising young lawyer out there is already whipping up a boilerplate prenuptial contract for this purpose and about to make a killing.
Of course, this only works if you’re smart enough to get a pre-nuptial agreement in place before you move into your off-campus pad with your buddies. If you don’t, one has to wonder whether the concept of common-law marriage might rear its ugly head just as graduation rolls around. After all, after living together for over three short years in Canada, me and my room-mates might technically be considered married under common law (or to have achieved common-law status, as it’s called in Canada). If you thought a graduation party hangover sucked, try paying alimony to your four, same-sex, bigamist college room-mates on top of Canada Student Loan Payments.
Of course, this move will only pave the way for the true concern of the neo-conservatives – that, for some reason, people might want to use the same-sex laws to forge (or perhaps graze) a path to allow them to marry farm animals. Why, I can’t imagine – plentiful farm subsidies, perhaps?
(And on a somewhat unrelated note, please welcome my almost-but-not-quite bigamist same-sex college room-mate, Kevin Cheng, to Silicon Valley. He started at Yahoo! this week.)
hey buddy,
you really got a damn good look on what some would call a fucked up society. reap lifes oggd rewards.
g
Just in case there’s any doubt – this is meant as a humour piece.
I have no problem with same-sex marriage – though I do have to appreciate the point these guys are trying to make. But then again, how is this any different than what opposite-sex marriages can do? I mean, there’s nothing stopping a guy and a girl marrying with a pre-nuptial agreement just to avoid taxes, now is there? (Sound of Brendon being buried by hatemail)
I’m not your type? That’s too bad, cause I always had sort of a thing for you… guess I’ll have to keep my yearning for us pushing our beds together in my dreams. For now.
bloody hell. if i’d known you were going to freaking propose, i’d have reconsidered my offer and maybe just taken that one up in redmond instead.
jesse, you can push your bed with mine anytime.
I seem to remember one time when you were secretly manufacturing a huge Canada flag entirely out of wrapping paper and the explanation you gave your dorm mates for the fact that all your worldly possessions had been moved out into the hall was that you needed the space because you were “having wicked gay sex.” Perhaps now your former room mates will see things in a different light. 🙂 (The flag did look good, though.)
On a more serious note, I’m sad to see an institution intended as a way for a man and woman to express their love being turned into a simple tax break. Besides, in most cases the tax breaks are bigger for two singles.
The original article at the Ottowa Sun is now locked behind a pay-site, so I haven’t read that one, but the principle has been the same for years in countries that treat civil unions and marriage alike: Some immediate tax benefits from marriage occur when the two people have had very different financial results (unlike the poor student – poor student scenario you describe): If A earned a bundle this tax year (and thus qualifies for high marginal tax rates) and B lost a bundle on, say, some unfortunate stock trades, A&B will combined pay less in taxes than if they file independently, because as a “family unit” they have earned less than A’s individual income. B may or may not have been able to utilize the deduction from his loss this year in future tax years, but by joining up with A, B can get some use for this year’s loss right away.
This has always been the case for A and B’s of opposite sexes, but I guess that gender inequality and societal norms concerning marriage has made very few opposite-sex couples marry purely for these financial reasons.
That’s an interesting point. I wonder if there are any opposite-sex couples that have married for purely financial reasons?