Monthly Archive for October, 2005

No, I Said Do Not Call!

I’m constantly amazed at the sheer audacity of companies that call people at home at all hours of the day with absolutely no forethought or consideration. Even though our number appears on the National Do Not Call Registry, we still get calls at all hours hawking one thing or another. While the registry restricts calls from telemarketers, there are a number of exceptions that allow political or charity organizations to continue to call. Now, if I were a charity, I think I’d be asking myself if someone who went to the trouble of putting themselves on the Do Not Call list is interested in being contacted by political or charity organizations.

That is, of course, not the case at all.

Every day, our answering machine bristles with a half-dozen “hang ups” from organizations whose automated systems call us each day and then hang up when no one answers the line. I don’t mind those calls – they’re screened, and I don’t have to deal with them. I do, however, mind the calls at 10:00 on a Saturday morning (a dignified snoozing hour, I might add) for Tom and Jerry’s Charity Organization for the Preservation of Something or Other. I don’t care. No one I know would call me at this hour. They’ve all learned to know better.

This phenomenon is not limited to anonymous charity callers, but to regular business that probe and intrude in the interest of the upsell (legitimate business contact is allowed even if you’re on the Do Not Call list). Our bank, in fact, called three different times inside of two weeks to try to upsell Ashley to a Visa Gold Card. We already have a Visa Gold Card. With our bank! A hospital in Charlotte called at 5:45am today to discuss billing for a recent hospital stay. Given they know me inside and out (literally), why didn’t they notice that I live three time zones away? Argh!

Yes, I’m feeling grumpy. But come on, this isn’t that hard to figure out.

Bravo, Mr. Homer. Bravo.

The Simpsons - The Complete Sixth SeasonPer tradition, Ashley gave me The Simpson’s Complete Fifth and Sixth Season DVDs for our sixth wedding anniversary. Does she know me, or does she know me?

Imagine my shock and horror when I opened the sixth season DVD, only to find the box shaped like Homer’s head instead of a regularly-shaped box. A regularly-shaped box that would, naturally, be suitable for stacking under the coffee table (or, should the urge strike me, using to build a tiny little fort).

Apparently, I’m not the only person in the world that’s anal-retentive enough to want all of the DVDs to come in the same form factor – inside the box, I found the following instructions:

For all those that fear change…

For all those anal retentive nerds who like their DVD boxes to line up perfectly on the shelf…

For all those who dislike storing their digital media inside a hollowed-out human head, have we got a deal for you: Just call 1-800-223-2369 for a very derivative, old-style, just-like-before box with almost nothing new or creative to annoy or terrify you. Enjoy!

The really sad part? Anal retentive nerds are the core demographic for The Simpsons! How the hell could they not expect a non-threatening throng of nerds to rush the studio gates and demand redress? The recovery, however, almost makes me think they just did it to yank their customers’ chains. I mean, just listen to Homer’s message at the customer service phone number (that number again: 1-800-223-2369):

Welcome, disgruntled consumers! You have reached The Simpsons’ Season Six replacement box hoax…uh, I mean number. Don’t worry, this is not a hoax…or is it?

No, it is not!

Most likely.

Anyway, for more details on how you can receive an old boring style box, totally free of charge…except for stupid shipping and handling…I hate handling…just buy a computer and go to www.simpsonsbox.com. The web site will tell you exactly what to do to take advantage of this hoax. Ohhh, why do I keep saying that?

Or do I?

Actually, I think the box you already have is totally cool. But what do I know? I mean, you’re the customer, so I guess you know best. Oh, let’s not get into this.

If you still need help, stay on the line. If you don’t, then stop calling here, this is my home.

Love you!

Heck, the website even stipulates that you’ll need to provide a “solemn promise to stop your whining” in addition to proof of purchase to get a replacement box. It’s clever.

Almost too clever.

Bravo, Mr. Homer. Bravo.