Vancouver — It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, but the combination of poor crowd control and a small book inventory led to disaster at Chapters on Robson last night just as the latest installment of the popular Harry Potter series went on sale. Though the evening started amiably enough, with little witches and warlocks from the local Hogwart’s International School of Witchcraft anxiously awaiting 12:01am, by the end of the evening the event had escalated into a full scale wizard riot that led to numerous injuries, destruction of property, and holes in the space-time continuum.
Even before the event itself, officials at the Ministry of Magic had expressed concern at the growing intermingling of wizards and muggles. At the event, this concern was confirmed by the presence of a large crowd of Christian fundamentalists clad in Holy Power t-shirts and preparing stakes around a large bonfire in front of the Vancouver Art Gallery steps opposite the book store. Though no action was taken by this group, their presence, coupled with their outspoken desire to “burn witches like it’s 1599″ and repetitive “Bringing in the Sheep” sing-alongs, only served to increase tensions at the event.
The final straw came at 12:01am, when Chapters staff revealed that, due to high demand, they had only been able to secure a single palette of the new book for sale to the public. In an effort to calm the crowd, Gilderoy Lockhart, the former Hogwart’s professor and special guest for the evening, attempted to use his powers to create a duplicate palette of books. But faster than you could say “lacarnum inflamarae”, Lockhart had engulfed the palette in flames, leaving only a few display copies of the book unscathed.
And then things got ugly.
A group of dark wizards, who had maintained all evening that they were interested in buying the latest Harry Potter book “just to find the flaws”, decided to take action and obtain the surviving copies of the book. In an attempt to create a diversion, the group enchanted the Science Fiction & Fantasy section, thus releasing a swarm of Orcs, several small hobbits, a confused grey-haired gentlemen wearing a wizarding robe that hasn’t been fashionable for several centuries, and a humanoid from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
Meanwhile, this reporter, who had previously believed the worst part of the evening had passed with his consumption of a vomit-flavoured “Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean”, had located sanctuary behind a pile of unsold Danielle Steel novels.
The riot was eventually quelled when Ministry of Magic officials and Vancouver Police Department riot personnel arrived on the scene and dispersed the crowd. The Ministry of Social Services has since taken custody of the group of fantasy creatures for their own protection, placing the hobbits in foster homes, the older wizard in elderly care, the group of Orcs in anger management, and the humanoid from Betelgeuse in Alcoholics Anonymous. Gilderoy Lockhart has not been seen since the event, and is assumed dead. Good riddance.
